"I feel sorry for my TV, having to show all this crap," said Butt-head and as I watched last night's episode of the Democratic Convention I also felt sorry for a formerly great nation that is now cursed with this pack of worthless, lying parasites who are dragging it down to ruin and destruction. The lies came on so fast and thick that I thought my head was going to explode. The tinkling piano music was trotted out to underlay the heart-wrenching tale of the soldiers, told that they were going to a sunny two-week vacation in Iraq, who arrived to find themselves in a desert version of Stalingrad, cooked up by the Evil BushLied regime; and who then returned to a nation filled with unsympathetic Right-Wingers and the always Troop-Friendly peaceniks to find that the BushLied government isn't spending enough money on the broken-down Veteran's Administration.
But the Dems are going to fix that. Not only will the VA fix wounds acquired in battle but vets will have life-long Cadillac coverage for themselves, their families and assorted relatives and friends. In fact, what the heck! They're gonna give free, unlimited access to everything medical to everybody who wants it. Costs? The Federal Government in charge of the entire medical industry will LOWER costs! We'll just get the money from the selfish jerks that are rolling in cash from the BushLied tax-cut giveaway! All this was said with certainty and aplomb, we'll snap our fingers and it will happen!
The Dishonesty-Fest was kicked off by the lovely and talented BJ. The Irrumator In Chief basked in the howls and applause of the crowd of ecstatic Fellatores on the floor, on their knees one more time to the Big Bent Enchilada! It was so nice to hear him, yet again, taking credit for the balanced Budget he vetoed three times. "That's what you'll get if you put a Democrat in the White house again!" Don't bet on it, you chumps! Before Newt and the Boys took over in '94 there wasn't any talk of anything being balanced anywhere.
BJ started off strong but he ran out of gas quickly. By the time he finished his high-speed, non-stop string of self-serving lies, half-truths, twisted sophistries and political fables it seemed that the strange lassitude that has dogged this sorry convention like the Ghost of Hamlet's Father stole over the delegates. The applause become tepid and even feeble. The shots of the idiotically grinning Chelsea became more frequent as the cameras searched in vain for enthusiasm amongst the delegates. This pack of aging time-servers are probably so used to being totally inert in their regular jobs as bureaucrats and ward-healers that they can't be roused out of their governmental torpor for more than a few seconds before the overweaning institutional lassitude reasserts itself.
But let's not mince words here. BJ was as good as it got last night and the next Big Name took the level of the show way down. The Foon-faced loser, the holder of three purple hearts who never saw the inside of a medic station or a hospital, the holder of a Bronze Star for a battle with no casualties on either side, the veteran of a Nixon-inspired secret mission to Cambodia which occurred while LBJ was president, the military Big Gun of the Democratic Party, the Marxist gigolo John Francois Kerry stepped up to the microphone and explained how six long tiresome years of the Democrats lying, accusing our troops of torture and wanton murder and attempting at every turn to defund or withdraw them, vilifying George W Bush as a Hitler-like predator, opposing and exposing every intelligence effort against the Islamonazi terrorists and sucking up to their front men in foreign governments or the faculties of formerly great universities; in short the total betrayal of our country and support for its sworn enemies, was a species of patriotism. Better than that, it turns out that this curious form of Americanism is totally responsible for all of our successes, including the victory in Iraq that a year ago the Dems were unanimously declaring to be impossible!
But Kerry, again, ran out of gas long before he was finished broadcasting this embarrassing platter of mendacity. As the political temperature inside the hall continued to drop his throaty, stumbling monotone failed to stir the slumbering torpid reptiles on the floor into even a vestige of enthusiasm for this 24-carat phony and his donkey-like braying about the War On Terror the Dems have just won in spite of the awful Bush-Cheney Cabal. What could be worse?
Biden could be worse; he could be and he was. Like an aging racehorse there probably was a team of doctors that attacked him before he went on, deftly using their needles to botox his eyes wide open and freeze his mouth into a corpse-like toothy grimace and the ultimate race-track vet with the three-inch-long needle filled with Go-juice, so this aging old nag can make it around the track before he collapses into a burned-out heap off camera. It's a tribute to Biden that he can follow BJ and Kerry and still come across as a supreme egotist. Me, me, me!
Biden assured us that the crazy drilling campaign the Evil Republicans have embarked on at the behest of their equally evil Oil Company masters is an unnecessary assault on the planet about to be saved by a wave of clean, renewable energy sources that will magically spring from the trillion or so dollars the Dems have spent on Green Research in the last thirty years. He explained to us how Bush's limited, low-level, strictly-focused talks with Iranian officials (a mistake in my mind) was the complete vindication of Barak Obama's promise that the President of the United States would meet, without preconditions, with the murderous lunatics who are running Iran. Well, Pelosi put on a hijab and crawled on her knees to Bashir Assad, didn't she? Jimmy The Jerk French-kissed the head of Hamas, didn't he? We all know the Dems are going to defund the military and turn the world over to a pack of lawless, nuclear-armed savages so why belabor the issue? Biden, in a voice that droned on endlessly, ran through the evasions and talking points ad nauseum. He went on too long making the end a dangerous letdown...until...surprise, surprise...the Messiah walked among us! Barak emerged and brought down the house by not saying anything, a merciful relief after that evening's avalanche of Bull Pucky.
They tried to get Tyra banks to MC this reality show but it turns out that she spends her time wearing a tinfoil hat to reflect Martian Z-beams and writing laudatory letters to Ron Paul, but she would have fit right in. You wanted to hear a voice saying harshly, "Leave the runway!" Maybe America's overtaxed, oppressed, newly-poor masses, yearning to breathe free will turn on this crowd of liars and send them packing this November. We can only hope. Meanwhile I've been reassuring my skittish TV set that after Algore and the Messiah tonight it can sleep a well- deserved sleep until next week when I'll be sure to be screaming at it again.

Can the Democrats be this stupid? I just listened to HRC's swan song of last night on the internet. Even with the pumped-up pacing, aided by the fact that she was rested and had time to work on her delivery it was still just the same old stuff said in the same old way. Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da. It was my wife in a bad mood nagging me that I still have to fix the washer in the bathroom sink, mow the lawn and change the water in the cat's bowl. There were no quotes that had any resonance. These Dems are okay at bashing Bush, these are hard times, people aren't happy with what's going on, there's a sense of crisis in the air but what did she have to offer as a concrete solution to anyone's problems?
Universal Health Care? Even people who aren't fully aware of the complete and total failure of government-run health care in other countries are not on board with having a government that has completely screwed up the education system take over another giant sector of the economy and put them in the same line as welfare cases and illegal aliens. I like my doctor and the medical facilities I go to; can I Believe that Change is going to make them better?
So we got the bald-headed cancer victim with two autistic children thrown in our faces; another mythological socialist chimera that is supposed to make us feel guilty that we're not paying enough taxes. I'm sick of that crap and I'll tell you something else, so is EVERYBODY. If fifty percent of what I earn isn't enough for you people to take care of the cancer victims with autistic children then where does it stop? Sixty percent? Seventy? Eighty?
She wants to unionize America; that'll make us competitive in the world market. The Dems want to take away secret ballots in union elections so they can expand the pool of dues that flow right into their campaign coffers. A sweet deal for the Dems and a way to extend ever more government control into formerly Free Enterprise. When the government and the unions are basically the same political entity, like they are in Zimbabwe or China, the alleged 'owners' of a business are helpless. The unions will reduce every business to the basket-case level of GM or US Steel very quickly.
And it seems we're not going to be 'rewarding energy speculators with windfall profits' any more. That's nice. Does that mean effective government price controls on energy? No more commodity markets? Do they ever think about what they're saying? No drilling, no new fossil fuel power plants, no nuclear, just a pack of bureaucrats levying stiff new taxes and enforcing a raft of new government mandates. Did you notice HRC only mentioned Glow-Bull Warming once and blew through it really fast? Now we're going to 'create' green-collar jobs by subsidizing some pie-in-the-sky alternative energy hoaxes. We've been working on that crap for decades and very little has come of it. These clowns are living in a dream world.
She also took pains to remind the AARP-tards that McLame might, at some point, try to stave off the coming bankruptcy of Social Security but that the Democrats are committed to a full-on meltdown.
Everything HRC said pointed to another sector of the economy and of society falling into the tender clutches of the government. But these are new times. People don't care about the convention in Seneca Falls in 1848, they don't respond to some made-up story about some hard-luck broad and her autistic children, they're not looking for more intrusive labor unions and they sure as HELL don't want to pay more taxes to do any of this stuff.
They want to drill for oil. They want their property taxes to go down, not up. They want America to assert itself on its own behalf in the world and stop truckling to left-wing internationalist groups. They see that we WON in Iraq, that it is a very good thing and that the Dems were with the enemy in every way, every day. They are sick of the whole PC mantra of being charged ever higher tax rates to soothe some poor helpless victims who never seem to get cured of their ills no matter how bloated the government budgets get. They're sick of tax hikes coupled with cuts in government services. How does that work? You pay more and get less at the same time.
The Dems are not talking about people's concerns and problems, they're talking about their own political pathology. Its worked for nearly eighty years but it is going to be severely tested this year. I'm a die-hard pessimist and I am angry and disappointed by the Republicans but if the Dems don't do something to give people an idea to vote for that isn't total government then they are going to lose Big Time. And on that day in January when Nancy Pelosi hands the Speaker's Gavel to John Boehner and Harry Reid yields the floor to Majority Leader Mitch McConnell we can all join hands, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics and sing the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free At Last, Free At Last! Thank God Almighty I'm Free At Last!"

See, like I'm totally down with that Brady Bunch stuff that you guys are pushing tonight, like I dig it baby, dont get me wrong. And I also have just GOT to say, you know, in a very non-sexist totally respectful way, that you are one hot-looking chick, I'm not kidding, you are awesome! The kids? Totally cute. And that message about you being just like me and all thats just one hundred percent heart-warming, I mean it makes me tingle harder than those touching stories about the hard times the Olympic athletes have had with the syrupy, tinkling piano music that they use as filler in between games. Really, I'm just a sucker for Family Values, I just go all goooshy!
But a couple of things just completely stick in my mind about your performance tonight. One is how utterly and totally flat and lifeless the whole enterprise was. I havent seen a crowd sleep through so many applause lines since Barak's speech in Berlin. You had a shot at rousing the floor of the convention and the country with your political passion; burning the cause into our hearts with flashing eyes and a James Brown drop of sweat digging a Martian canal through your foundation as you lead us to the Socialist Nirvana with your eyes blazing and your voice rising to a hot passionate ROAR! I didnt believe your performance on the maudlin codswallop script the boys in the campaign office wrote out for you. You werent living that speech! The body language was not there. If you were auditioning for June Cleaver you blew it, you choked, we'll phone you if anything comes up, NEXT! Because you're NOT June Cleaver, you're La Passionaria, Lady MacBeth, Joan Of Arc, Bella Abzug, Maxine Waters, Eva Peron; we wanted Coltraine and we got Kenny G! And if you cant be convincing in a June Cleaver role, what does that say? That you're not a MOM like everyone else: you're a hard-boiled, committed left-wing ideologue with a definite agenda that might be a bit too salty for the Great Unwashed. Thats when you work, when you are great TV; because tonight, delivering a speech that could have leapt from the lips of Pat Nixon or Rosalind Carter, you ate a giant Donkey Burrito. Politically speaking. See, the goal of every person who courts fame is to be one of the royalty who are referred to in common parlance with one name; Madonna, W, Hillary, Angelina, etc. and to do that you have to go on stage in drag as yourself, every minute! Flamboyant, Blow Out the Stops, Kick Out The Jams!
It wasnt there tonight, not even a little bit. If Mike Deaver were alive today he'd roll over in his grave. You got outshined by a washed-up drunk with a brain tumor.
Now for my other problem, Shelly, Darling, Sweetheart. You see I have this totally far-out pickup truck that I drive twenty miles to my job except that now that gas is four bucks a gallon its costing me most of my disposable income to get to work, which might not be a problem that much longer because the Air Quality Management District is threatening to close my job down because of Global Warming. What I didnt hear in your speech was what you're going to do to get gas prices down and what your ideas are about easing up on the restrictions so my boss doesnt move my job down to Mexico. Or anything about anything; that speech was as content-empty as a political speech at a political convention could possibly be. Is this going to be it? Instead of Al Sharpton and Maxine Waters we get a bloated Fat Teddy eager for the cameras one last time and the annoying, slurping idiocy of Claire McCaskill. Are we really counting on THE CLINTONS to liven things up? How pathetic is that? At least Ma and Pa Kettle arent going to hit us with any of that nauseating 'Leave It To Beaver' crap. They're mad as hell and they're not going to take it any more. Yeah! Hey, but what do you want to bet that Hillary bumped into somebody with a terrible hard luck story who wants her to keep on fighting and never give up? Any takers? No. Dang, I was sure I'd pick up at least twenty with that one.
So I'll be glued to the tube tomorrow but they better lace the Obama Bon Bons with a healthy dollop of benzedrine to get that gaggle of professional government do-gooders, aging union hacks, corrupt ward-healers and over-the-hill eco hippies on their feet and yelling real loud or Barak will never sell to the suburbs.