Posted by
skep41 on Tuesday, August 26, 2008 10:12:45 AM
See,
like I'm totally down with that Brady Bunch stuff that you guys are
pushing tonight, like I dig it baby, dont get me wrong. And I also have
just
GOT to say, you know, in
a very non-sexist totally respectful way, that you are one hot-looking
chick, I'm not kidding, you are awesome! The kids? Totally cute. And
that message about you being just like me and all thats just one
hundred percent heart-warming, I mean it makes me tingle harder than
those touching stories about the hard times the Olympic athletes have
had with the syrupy, tinkling piano music that they use as filler in
between games. Really, I'm just a sucker for Family Values, I just go
all goooshy!
But a couple of things just completely stick in my mind
about your performance tonight. One is how utterly and totally flat and
lifeless the whole enterprise was. I havent seen a crowd sleep through
so many applause lines since Barak's speech in Berlin. You had a shot
at rousing the floor of the convention and the country with your
political passion; burning the cause into our hearts with flashing eyes
and a James Brown drop of sweat digging a Martian canal through your
foundation as you lead us to the Socialist Nirvana with your eyes
blazing and your voice rising to a hot passionate ROAR! I didnt believe
your performance on the maudlin codswallop script the boys in the
campaign office wrote out for you. You werent
living
that speech! The body language was not there. If you were auditioning
for June Cleaver you blew it, you choked, we'll phone you if anything
comes up, NEXT! Because you're NOT June Cleaver, you're La Passionaria,
Lady MacBeth, Joan Of Arc, Bella Abzug, Maxine Waters, Eva Peron; we
wanted Coltraine and we got Kenny G! And if you cant be convincing in a
June Cleaver role, what does that say? That you're not a MOM like
everyone else: you're a hard-boiled, committed left-wing ideologue with
a definite agenda that might be a bit too salty for the Great Unwashed.
Thats when you work, when you are great TV; because tonight, delivering
a speech that could have leapt from the lips of Pat Nixon or Rosalind
Carter, you ate a giant Donkey Burrito. Politically speaking. See, the
goal of every person who courts fame is to be one of the royalty who
are referred to in common parlance with one name; Madonna, W, Hillary,
Angelina, etc. and to do that you have to go on stage in drag as
yourself, every minute! Flamboyant, Blow Out the Stops, Kick Out The
Jams!
It wasnt there tonight, not even a little bit. If Mike Deaver
were alive today he'd roll over in his grave. You got outshined by a
washed-up drunk with a brain tumor.
Now for my other problem,
Shelly, Darling, Sweetheart. You see I have this totally far-out pickup
truck that I drive twenty miles to my job except that now that gas is
four bucks a gallon its costing me most of my disposable income to get
to work, which might not be a problem that much longer because the Air
Quality Management District is threatening to close my job down because
of Global Warming. What I didnt hear in your speech was what you're
going to do to get gas prices down and what your ideas are about easing
up on the restrictions so my boss doesnt move my job down to Mexico. Or
anything about anything; that speech was as content-empty as a
political speech at a political convention could possibly be. Is this
going to be it? Instead of Al Sharpton and Maxine Waters we get a
bloated Fat Teddy eager for the cameras one last time and the annoying,
slurping idiocy of Claire McCaskill. Are we really counting on
THE CLINTONS to
liven things up? How pathetic is that? At least Ma and Pa Kettle arent
going to hit us with any of that nauseating 'Leave It To Beaver' crap.
They're mad as hell and they're not going to take it any more. Yeah!
Hey, but what do you want to bet that Hillary bumped into somebody with
a terrible hard luck story who wants her to keep on fighting and never
give up? Any takers? No. Dang, I was sure I'd pick up at least twenty
with that one.
So I'll be glued to the tube tomorrow but they better
lace the Obama Bon Bons with a healthy dollop of benzedrine to get that
gaggle of professional government do-gooders, aging union hacks,
corrupt ward-healers and over-the-hill eco hippies on their feet and
yelling real loud or Barak will never sell to the suburbs.